Cognizant Classic in The Palm Beaches

PGA National (Champion Course)

The Loop

Grumpy ump has no time for Finn the Bat Dog, gets booed off the planet

If you've yet to be introduced to Finn the Bat Dog, now's as good a time as any. The official bat dog for the Triple-A Las Vegas Aviators, Finn is a good boy who likes swimming, hot dogs, and, most importantly, fetching stray bats in the on-deck circle. Best we can tell, just about everybody loves Finn...except for Umpire Scrooge McDuckface, who robbed Finn—and by proxy, an entire stadium of fans—of one of the last pure good things on earth at the Aviators' home opener on Tuesday night. We hope you feel good about yourself, dickweed.

Needless to say, this animate cinder block of a man thinks ketchup is too spicy and Zoolander wasn't funny. His idea of a good time is shouting obscenities at his future estranged children from the bleachers at pop warner games and when he needs a pick-me-up, he does push-ups to Ken Burns Civil War documentaries because Diet Coke makes him jittery. He's probably even a cat person. The only savings grace is that after ruefully tossing the bat away from an onrushing Finn like he was a mosquito not man's best friend, the ump was booed off the damn planet by a stadium full of people who, let's be honest, were there as much for the dog as they were the baseball.

Making matters even worse (yes, they can get worse), Finn has been nothing but an ally for umps over the years, delivering them cold water and cuddles, even if their strike zones were totally inconsistent.

So today, join every heart-having creature on God's beautiful green earth in saying we're with you, Finn. Don't let this human anchor drag you down like he did with his three ex-wives. Rise above. Keep on smiling and slobbering. Maybe, just maybe, you'll even get some nachos for your efforts.