124th U.S. Open

Pinehurst No. 2

The Loop

Grandmother watching the Super Bowl discovers Jimmy Garoppolo's spooky 1950s doppelgänger

February 04, 2020

If you've been watching HBO's new Stephen King adaptation The Outsider, then you are probably starting to piece together the mystery (and if you aren't, this is where I spoil it for you): An "it" with the ability to replicate human likenesses has been committing heinous crimes under the guise of local do-gooders, dooming these innocent people to prison (and fates worse than that) before slinking off into the form of another doppelgänger. I bring all of this up not because I think you should watch it or anything—it's fine—but because when I saw this story about a random grandmother discovering Jimmy Garoppolo's literal 1950s clone while watching the Super Bowl after crushing out a pair of episodes last night, I knew immediately what was happening up there in the San Fran fog.

That's Tyrone Power—1950s movie star and current vessel for whatever dark spirit is plying its trade as quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers.

Super Bowl LIV - San Francisco 49ers v Kansas City Chiefs

Tom Pennington

Now we're not saying Garoppolo is definitely the homicidal entity from The Outsider. He might be a clone, a reincarnation, or maybe just Dorian Gray himself. But he's definitely something. There's no other natural explanation. And as detective shows have taught us, that case-breaking revelation usually comes from the place you least expect it, in this this case a sweet old grandmother still keeping a candle lit for Tyrone Power.

So if you're a Bay Area police officer and you're reading this, please, we implore you. Check the cold cases and cross-reference the missing persons. Chase all the tails and inspect all the dead ends. Ask the questions you feel silly asking. Something about this feels wrong and we need to get to the bottom of it before another tragedy (or Super Bowl loss) strikes.