Cole's Kids

The Angels radio broadcast fell for a very fake report that Gerrit Cole pulled a “Scott’s Tots” on Tuesday

Gerrit Cole had a rough night. On Tuesday he took the bump against a bad Tigers team on a chilly night in Detroit and proceeded to throw 68 pitches, walk five batters, and give up two earned runs in an inning and two-thirds before getting the hook. He was booed by a smattering of his own fans in the stands, and when asked about it after the game, he summed up the evening pretty succinctly.

If you were listening to the Angels radio broadcast a short while later, however, you would have been lead to believe things got even worse for Cole, with the on-air crew falling for a fake New York Sports Porch tweet that Cole had promised an underprivileged school 600 MacBooks if he lasted more than two innings on Tuesday. Check out the absolutely cringe audio if you have the stomach for it.

Fellas, fellas, fellas. We know it’s tough for you La La Landers to grasp the sheer, uncharted depths of East Coast cynicism, but come on. You gotta check the handles. You always gotta check the handles. This is the equivalent of reporting a NOTSportscenter tweet as breaking news (which, in fairness, probably means nothing to these radio old heads). But even if you don’t understand the nefarious workings of Twitter, you at least have to read this and think “Two innings? MacBooks? Wait this doesn’t sound right.” Remember to check the batteries on your bullshit detectors, folks. They may save your life.

Sadly for Cole, the only part of the debacle that was 100% satire was the part about donating to kids in need. Through three starts this season, the Yanks ace has lasted four innings, five and two-thirds innings, and one and two-thirds innings. He has yet to earn a decision, has a minus WAR, and is currently sitting on a 6.36 ERA. It’s not what you want to see from one of the most expensive pitchers in baseball. But hey, look on the brightside, at least he didn’t actually pull a Scott’s Tots.