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Freddie Kitchens' new disciplinary policy totally, definitely won't backfire

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Nothing can derail the mighty Cleveland Browns. Not Tom Brady. Not a tornado. Not even the Cleveland Browns themselves. They're an offensive juggernaut led by the NFL's creepiest new mustache. They are a defensive powerhouse, forged in the iron smelts of the Rust Belt. They are destined for their first winning season since 2007 and first playoff berth since 2002. It is written in the stars. Nothing can stop it now. Fate (and Lake Eerie) swells to it.

Which is why we are totally, completely, entirely unconcerned that some Browns players are not only already punching in each other in the head at training camp...

...but that new head coach and 300-level master football guy Freddie Kitchens has decided to punish the entire team for it. What could possibly go wrong?!

Needless to say, Odell Red Carpet Jr. and Baker "I let Kansas football hurt my feelings" Mayfield are going to respond super well to doing suicides in the July humidity because two practice squad players couldn't use their words. As an oldest child, I can tell you that I always hoped my parents would ground me when my little brother cut class because we were A FAMILY and FAMILY means SOMETHING.

What a guy. You can almost smell the football—an intoxicating, home-brewed concoction of pigskin and fresh-cut grass—wafting off of him. With a little luck and a lot more of this attitude, the Browns might finally win State this year.