Remember Farmer Fran, the wild-eyed, overall-clad assistant coach from The Waterboy who babbled on in a cajun accent so thick no one ever had any idea what he was saying? Well, little known fact, but current LSU ball coach Ed Orgeron is based on that character, making up for his lack of coherence with an unbridled enthusiasm that can only be the product of 8-10 Red Bulls a day. Following the Tigers' shutout loss to Alabama this weekend, however, Orgeron's gravelly cajun drawl finally became sentient, frying closed captioning circuit boards across America during this inadvertently hilarious post-game press conference.
This is an entirely new school of post-modern American poetry. This is the product of a machine learning algorithm that's been fed nothing but machine learning transcripts for years.
This is perfection.
LSU fans will likely take no solace in this mad lib from hell, though. From political musings ("Taliban," "Libya," and "missiles") to concerns over the long-term viability of the planet ("talk about retiring earth"), Orgeron discussed just about everything but the game. I guess when it comes to getting shutout by Alabama, crippling global crises seem downright tame by comparison.