Ladies and gentleman, we proudly present Dwight Howard: 2019 Edition. A new team! A fresh start! The same old bullsh*t. On Wednesday, the Lakers's new plan-z appeared on an episode of 'In Depth With Graham Bensinger' (who?), giving Bensinger a 'Cribs'-esque tour of his 35,000-square-foot supervillain lair, including his exotic snake collection and, of course, his garage. On the whole it was pretty standard rich-person stuff, but in the garage was a custom Grimace-purple Rolls-Royce with a full purple interior. When asked what was with all the purple, Howard explained with the straightest of straight faces:
I got this purple car because of Thanos, from the Avengers. He's my favorite character because he was able to understand that in order for him to complete his mission, he had to get rid of his emotions and that's the hardest thing that thing that we all face.
What Howard fails to mention or grasp on even the most fundamental level, is that Thanos is not a superhero, but literally the baddest of the Marvel Cinematic Universe bad guys—a genocidal maniac whose "mission" is to bring balance to the universe by wiping out half of all living life with a snap of his fingers. To put it lightly, Thanos is not a role model. He's a sociopath...who now happens to have a custom purple Rolls-Royce to honor him.
In the end, I suppose we should be glad that Howard doesn't have a gilded fountain statue of Thanos crushing the evil scourge of (SPOILER ALERT) Iron Man in his foyer. Given Howard's recent track record, this actually constitutes growth. But please, a final entreaty to Howard's manager/handler/parole officer/snake breeder before we go:
Under no circumstances can you let Howard see Jojo Rabbit.