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Jock Juice

Dan Campbell’s daily Starbucks order sounds like pure gasoline

August 03, 2021

Tuesday was the Detroit Lions’ first padded practice of 2021, but for first-year head coach Dan Campbell it may as well have been Christmas. The self-professed “true alpha,” Oklahoma Drill apologist, and lovable maniac was a kid in a candy store of pain at his kick-off press conference. “We want to see who can take punishment and who can deliver punishment,” he said. “I want to see these guys get to a point where it is almost an all-out brawl out there.” When asked who he would assign as his chief head-slapper should that position open up, he didn’t hesitate, naming fullback Jason Cabinda. It was a big tone-setting day for Campbell’s new tough-guy regime, and he hit the high notes like Motown’s finest.

But perhaps the biggest revelation of Campbell’s morning masterclass was his daily Starbucks order, which to the surprise of absolutely no one, is just as aggressive as the man himself. Bottom’s up and seatbelts fastened, folks.

OK, so just to translate for all you Dunkin’ drinkers out there, that’s a double venti (large) of the standard Pike Place roast. That’s about 40 ounces of juice, and then he hits each venti pour with a black eye (two shots of espresso), for a total of four shots. Double venti, double black eye, no room. In fact, his description of the drink is so ridiculous that when he explains it’s not just one black eye, but one per venti, an audible gasp goes up from the back of the room. This pleases Campbell greatly.

Although Campbell's strung-out enthusiasm is infectious, we cannot stress this enough: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. It will stop your heart. It will turn your insides into outsides, and Campbell will be there savoring every second of your suffering as he drifts to sleep on a bed of nails. So don’t be a hero. Know your limits. Stick to the tall blonde roast with a splash of oat milk and live to fight another day.