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BYU’s deliciously NSFW-looking ‘Cougar Tail’ won the college football weekend

September 12, 2022

Upon the first scan of the Week 2 college football schedule, the simpleton takeaway would have been “meh.” Apple-picking weekend. One for the wife.

Almost 1 million percent of the time, historically, that line of thinking means sh-t is about to hit the damn fan. And my God did it ever, starting from the noon time slot with Alabama barely squeaking past Texas and rolling all the way through the late game between Baylor and BYU, which the Cougars hung on to win in overtime.

The victory puts BYU at 2-0 and saw them leap from 21st to 12th in the AP Top 25. Of much greater significance, however, was the fact it put the “Cougar Tail” on the map. If you’re wondering what the Cougar Tail is, it appears to be a gigantic, NSFW-shaped donut that’s sold at LaVell Edwards Stadium. ESPN gave this bad boy all sorts of run during the broadcast, which is why we are here to tell you that a donut won the college football weekend. Look at this monster:

The Cougar Tail, which is maple flavored, measures 15 inches long, and it was introduced in 2006 and has been a hit ever since. According to Y Magazine, BYU sold an average of 8,500 (!!) Cougar Tails per game last season, a figure that could probably be much higher if students weren’t passing them around like a Poland Spring bottle filled with vodka that was snuck into the stadium:

The thing is, at BYU, this is their Poland Spring bottle filled with vodka. Sorry, easy mormon joke. Also, what the hell was RGIII about to say in that clip? “They passing that thing around like …” We’ll never know but we’re guessing it wouldn’t have been fit for television. Then again, they let this clip on ESPN not long after:

OK, now it’s weird. Having said that, taking in a game in Provo and chowing down on a CT is now on my bucket list.

Helmet Stickers

(In this section, we dole out helmet stickers to highlight those who *almost* won the college football weekend)

Five helmet stickers: The Appalachian State student body

If not for that damn donut, the App State students would have easily won the college football weekend after their incredible upset AT Texas A&M. And we cannot stress the “AT” part enough. 19-point dogs on the road at College Station against the mighty Aggies and their so-called 12th man and the Mountaineers go in and stun them just like they stunned Michigan in the Big House 15 years ago. Two insane road wins to have on your school’s resume, the only difference this time is that App State is now a legit FBS program that continues to get bigger and better by the year, whereas 15 years ago they were just the little FCS engine that could. Those days are over. They got themselves a PROGRAM now:

And to think, App State was a few plays away from beating North Carolina just last week. That would have put the Mountaineers in the AP Top 25 for sure (they should be in it anyway), but another win or two should do the trick. All eyes will be on them next week when they play Troy at home, which College Gameday will be on hand for. Oh HELL yes:

Four helmet stickers: Whoever made all these graphics

Among the biggest stories in the sport this weekend was the firing of Nebraska head coach Scott Frost, who dropped two of his first three games this season, one in Ireland against Northwestern (understandable) and one at home against Georgia Southern (not understandable, completely unacceptable, catastrophic, etc.). That unfortunately brought to an end a brutal tenure for the former Cornhusker that saw him go 16-31 and fail, miserably, to turn around a once-storied program that still desperately needs turning around. To add insult to injury, he got absolutely hosed by multiple graphics from the FOX Sports team during the loss Saturday night:

With the 45-42 loss, the Huskers are now 214-1 when scoring 35 points at home. Pain. The good news for Frost, though, is that he’s being bought out, Coach O style. Because he was fired before October 1, 2022, Frost gets the full $15 million he’s owed, as opposed to $7.5 million which would have been the case had Nebraska AD Trev Alberts waited until next month. We’re not going to say Frost lost on purpose to get the full $15 mil, but there’s no denying it was a financially-sound L for the 47-year-old.

Three helmet stickers: Desmond “Hedge Your Bets” Howard

Does anyone recall Des’s pre-season playoff prediction?

That appears to be extremely dead, though Howard essentially predicted it on College Gameday Saturday morning by taking Tennessee to beat Pittsburgh on the road. Ever heard of hedging your bets?

Brilliant move, Des. Now, if Michigan could just win out, he might be able to go 1-for-4 in his playoff prediction.

Two helmet stickers: The Big Fella, for trying

This play seems to be sweeping the nation right now, though Eastern Kentucky appears to be the only team to have the guts to try it with … their right tackle? In the fifth overtime? The 4D chess move didn’t work, but the Colonels still managed to pull out a victory in overtime No. 7 (!!!), beating Bowling Green 59-57 on the road in what was sneakily the game of the weekend. What a game, what a sport.

Minus-two helmet stickers: Dr. Drew Brees

My man is having a tough time finding his niche in retirement. For those wondering, it sounds like Texas quarterback Quinn Ewers might miss four-to-six weeks with a SC sprain.

Minus all of the helmet stickers: The refs at the Alabama-Texas game

It had to be mentioned, even though everyone is well aware of what happened. Just a brutal, brutal day for the zebras in Austin:

The roughing call was obviously not great, but it was the miss on an intentional grounding call that really screwed Texas over here. How the Longhorns didn’t come away from this with two points is truly mind-bottling. This angle really drives home how bogus this call was - look at how long it takes the ref in the end zone to throw the flag:

Nothing to see here. If I didn't know better, I'd say someone told that official in an ear piece to pull out a flag. It's not even October and we are in full conspiracy mode, baby. Nothing like college football.