No Fun Police

Buffalo brass cracking down on Bills Mafia because nothing gold can stay

May 2, 2019
Miami Dolphins v Buffalo Bills
Tom Szczerbowski

All good things must come to an end. Cal Ripken missed a game. Mötley Crüe broke up. Someday we'll even live in a world without Survivor (assuming the world doesn't get cancelled first.) And so it goes yet again, with reports out of Buffalo on Thursday suggesting that the raucous, riotous zenith of Bills Mafia—a glorious epoch of football fandom where no Molson went un-shotgunned and no folding table was safe—may finally be coming to a close.

According to Jay Skurski of the Buffalo News, in an attempt to curb the spine-tingling suplexes that have made the Ralph Wilson bus lot the place to be on crisp autumn Sundays, the team is instituting a new tailgating policy that threatens to topple the Bills Mafia bosses once and for all.

Beginning in 2019, the Bills will require the purchase of a tailgating package for entry to the bus lot, the epicenter of Mafia Mania in recent years. For 20-person caravans, the cost is $300, escalating to $600 and $900 for and 40 and 60-person transports respectively. If those numbers seem crazy to you, yes, people really do roll 60-deep to Bills games, and no, there is nothing better to do in Buffalo.

Tom Szczerbowski

Of the new big-margin, low-fun tailgating scheme, Andy Major, chief of the Bills' no fun police, had this to say:

Our No. 1 concern as an organization is fan safety. When you’re seeing what was happening in the bus lot the last couple seasons, especially last year, it gets very concerning. It’s dangerous behavior, not just negative fan behavior. It’s dangerous to security, the sheriffs and staff who are trying to police things. The viral videos on social media, it’s embarrassing when we see that. It affects the community, affects the team negatively. We know our fans aren’t like that. That’s what’s disappointing for us.

Thanks, dad. We'll be home by 11.

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