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69-year-old man tries to legally change his age to 49 because time is a flat circle or something

November 08, 2018

Ladies and gentlemen, The Loop is pleased to announce our Jackass Of The Week: 11/4 - 11/10. His name? Emile Ratelband. His claim to fame? Officially petitioning a Dutch judge to legally reduce his age for 69 to 49 because he believes age, like gender, is fluid. Also because he thinks it will help his Tinder game, obvi.

In a recent interview with the Guardian, the self-professed "Young God" laid out his plight, saying, "When I’m on Tinder and it says I’m 69, I don’t get an answer. When I’m 49, with the face I have, I will be in a luxurious position." In other words, he's asking the judges—who he says "laughed like little girls" at his initial proposal—to wingman for him, because clearly they have nothing better to do.

Couldn't he just change his age on a dating app? Sure, but " I don't want to lie" says Ratelband while lying to himself, this time to the Washington Post. Oh, and if you're also wondering why the Washington Post and Guardian are publishing the stoned ramblings of an 18-year-old sociology minor, don't worry. It's not like journalism is crumbling all around as at the moment or anything.

Most disturbingly, Ratleband is an (alleged) life coach and father of seven (including twins he once tried to name "Rolls" and "Royce"), which means he's actually peddling this bullshit to other human beings, who will believe just about anything some old, megalomaniacal methane sack tells them these days. And all because he would like to get laid once or twice more before he dies. Somebody do us all a favor and replace this idiot's Cialis with Ambien please.