The Loop

Where has former Montana Tech head football coach Bob Green been all our lives?

September 11, 2019

While working from home on Wednesday as I often do (baby boomer generation pounds their keyboard in disgust), for some reason I had CBS Sports Network on. It's a fine channel, but normally I would only put it on if I had the FAU vs. Marshall over on a Friday night or if I was watching the simulcast of the popular WFAN program "Boomer & Gio."

After B&G ended, I put it on mute and some random college football recap show came on, and during that show I noticed they were playing what is still my favorite college football coach rant of all time, so I PROMPTLY hit the volume:

For those who had never seen that (I feel sorry for you), that's former Coastal Carolina head coach David Bennett spitting hard truths about cats, who are awful, and dawwwwwwgs, who are the best. Shockingly, Bennett was fired after that 2011 season, his first winning season in four years. If I were Coastal's athletic director, I would have given Bennett a lifetime contract on the spot after hearing that impassioned speech, but that's just me.

Anyway, following the Bennett video, CBS Sports Network rolled out more clips of great football coach freak outs. Les Miles telling people to kiss his players on the mouth, provided they were a girl, Mike Gundy screaming his age at the media, etc., etc. At the very end, host Adam Zucker introduced a compilation video of former Montana Tech head coach Bob Green, who I, like many on the internet, had never even heard of. That's our loss, because he's easily the funniest college football coach in history that we never knew about.

The clip, tweeted out in the wee hours of last Saturday morning by Nick Petraccione, a sports anchor in Montana, has garnered over 4 million views. It's easy to see why after watching:

Where has this guy been all my life? Just knee slapper after knee slapper after knee slapper. Green last coached for the Orediggers (what a wild name) in 2010, finishing his career there with a 140-116-1 record in 24 years there. They don't make 'em like Green anymore. If you thought the jokes in that video were good, I found a few more in this article Rick Reilly wrote for ESPN in 2010 titled "Will somebody please hire coach Bob Green?" Some of the gems (they're all gems) include:

-"We had an interception chance, and we caught the ball. An interception chance is like a date with the homecoming queen -- close the deal. Don't waste an opportunity."

-"It's like you're trying to sell bubble gum in a lockjaw ward. You just can't get much done."

-"When I first started coaching, Christ was a kid."

-"I hate to sound like an old coach but I am an old coach. I was coaching when the Dead Sea was only sick."

Plenty more where that came from in Reilly's article, including a few from the video compilation. In my opinion, none can top, "It's kinda like watching your mother-in-law go off a cliff in your brand new Cadillac. You got mixed feelings." Perfect delivery. I'd pay top dollar to see this man do stand up and just roll out every one liner he's got.