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The new fastest man on earth is this Southern Miss punt returner

September 11, 2019
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When I ran cross-country in high school (I wasn't any good, but you're damn sure I tried my best), I once had to run a competitive 5K in the pouring rain. On the second lap, I tripped and fell in a woodsy area coating myself with the muddiest mud. I laid there for a few seconds contemplating every choice in my life that led to that exact moment. Eventually, I finished the race looking like I had just spent the last 24 minutes or so engaged in guerilla warfare. I haven't been the same since.

The reason I'm telling you this is because I believe that if Southern Miss's redshirt sophomore Jaylond Adams were running this race, he would not only not have fallen, but he would have run the 3.1 miles in seconds. Also, he would have been bone-dry and there wouldn't have been a speck of dirt on the soles of his shoes.

As alluded to in the title, Adams' punt return from August 31 was so powerful and ridiculous that the rest of us plebians are only catching up to it now. That's the only reason it took weeks for us to finally post about it.

Catching the ball at the 20-yard line with 12:53 left in the fourth quarter, Adams was in the end zone in less than 10 seconds. The punt return included jukes, diagonal running, and a slow down before the promised land for good measure.

To cap it all off, this wasn't even Adams' only touchdown return. He had another one to start the game for 89 yards that took less than 15 ticks of the clock. 169 yards in 24 seconds.

Oh, Southern Mississippi beat Alcorn State 38-10 too. To be honest, we're not sure how the other team even scored with a deity staring them in the face.

Along with destroying all life as we know it, Adams was named the CUSA Special Teams Player of the Week. A pretty good addition to his mantelpiece which mostly consists of the shattered hopes and dreams of his opposition.