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Just Act Like You're Surprised

The Washington Commanders' name leaked more times than the pipes at FedEx Field

February 02, 2022

BREAKING NEWS, FOOTBALL FANS! Put down anything breakable. If you’re driving, pull over to the side of the road. After two long years in name limbo, the Washington Football Team are now the [drum roll please] WASHINGTON COMMANDERS! HUZZAH!

Hopefully by now, you’re probably picking up on the sarcasm. In fact, it should be as obvious as Washington’s new nickname, which leaked approximately 100 times in 100 different ways this week. There were leaks from the Nike production facility …

There were leaks from accidentally unblurred footage provided to NBC Sports …

There were leaks from the warehouse …

There were leaks from a helicopter circling FedEx Field …

There were even leaks from the franchise’s greatest-ever quarterback Joe Theismann, who mused aloud on The D.A. Show that he thought fans would embrace the “Commanders” identity … on Monday.

Needless to say, the only thing dumber than football fans thinking Washington could keep a lid on this thing was Washington thinking they could keep a lid on this thing. This is the worst-kept secret from the worst-run franchise in American sports. Of course it was leaking. The only thing more inevitable was the meteor that whiped out the dinosaurs. As soon as Washington settled on "Commanders," they should have just slapped it in their Twitter bio and moved on. No spoilers. No betrayal. No anticlimaxes. Only football. Isn’t that what’s supposed to matter most?