What does America run on? Dunkin'. What goes best with a cup of coffee? Another one. Wanna hear a joke? Decaf. Humanity's fetishization of the rich, roasty elixir is well documented and well earned. Hell, I'm having an overpriced cup as I sit here and write this—a story about Venus Williams, one half of the most dominant sibling duo in tennis history, begging her coach for coffee "like ASAP" during a changeover in her Cincinnati Masters match against Donna Vekic on Thursday. Too often, professional sports and the athletes that populate them can feel completely removed from reality, a different species walking the surface of a distant planet, but this, ladies and gentleman of earth, is as human as you and I.
The exchange itself is hilarious, with Venus calling her coach over and mumbling "coffee" at him before he even sits down, clearly aware of the eavesdropping TV mics. Her coach concedes, but wants to deliver an extensive strategy breakdown first as Venus morphs into one of those "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee" mugs you buy dad every other Father's Day in real time:
After finishing his extensive, articulate analysis, which we can only assume sounded like that Peanuts adult voice to a caffeine-deprived Venus, he promises to reward her for her attention, saying, "You got this...I'll get you coffee."
"Can I get it like ASAP?" Venus then responds, echoing the sentiments of just about every human body of earth between the hours 6 a.m. and 6 p.m.
In the end, the jolt of that good stuff proved decisive, helping Venus to rally from an ugly first-set loss to win 2-6, 6-3, 6-3; a comeback so good it called for a celebratory cup of, well, you know...