Bigfoot Votes

This is the greatest political attack ad in American history (and that's saying something)

September 19, 2018

It's election season here in the stars and stripes, and that means engines are running a little hotter than usual. And by hotter than usual, we mean steaming on the side of desert highway while the people who put a carnival barker in the Oval Office and the people who will literally never forgive them for it press each other's foreheads to the engine block. But out of this turmoil—as the plumes of metaphorically seared flesh billow into the air—something genuinely good has arisen. Something inspiring. Something hopeful. Something that might even make you smile. That something is the greatest political attack ad in the history of not only the medium, but America itself. Behold:

We're not going to tell you who Dean Phillips and Erik Paulsen are, nor what side of the gravy train they hitch their useless asses to. We don't want biases, prejudices, and preconceived notions getting in the way of what is probably the single funniest thing you can watch on the internet this week. Attack ads are generally gross, self-righteous, and littered with knock-off Law & Order sound effects, but this one subverts all of that by turning the Bigfoot documentary—a creation as American as apple pie and Harrison Ford growling "GET OFF MY PLANE"—on its furry, fanged head.

In this fresh take on a timeless yarn, Bigfoot takes on the role of lensman, searching high and low for the mythical Erik Paulsen, who, despite repeated claims to his veracity, vanishes into thin air every time his constituency needs him. In the end, Bigfoot finally tracks down his subject by staking out the lobby of Globopharma™ armed only with a camera and his journalistic integrity, outing Paulsen as not only real, but just as monstrous as rumored.

If this (somehow) doesn't inspire you to get out and vote this fall, then hopefully little topics like war, famine, healthcare, taxes, racial equality, climate implosion, government accountability, and the future of the American justice system will.

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