Rants

This "ban golf" piece is so off-the-mark that it's a must-read

November 16, 2017
Trees On Golf Course
Warren Loader / EyeEm

In play and constitution, golf is not a game of perfect, partially explaining why it's so often under attack. At times the sport brings it on itself; even its champions and defenders -- including us -- acknowledge the inherent vices. Nevertheless, some of the criticism is so off-the-mark and myopic you wonder if the authors have the slightest clue what they're talking about. (Spoiler alert: they don't.)

Which brings us to this "Ban Golf" article, which is...something.

It doesn't have the focus or unintended hilarity of the numerous "Golf is in the rough" think pieces routinely seen; it's mostly aimless and unhinged, similar to when one goes through puberty. We decided to examine some of the highlights of the piece for your viewing pleasure.

The worst people like golf, the worst pastime. There is a certain stereotype of golfers: lazy, wealthy, loud men in ugly clothing—Republicans. This stereotype is accurate

Actually, data has showed that 1) Golfers tend to be healthier than their non-playing brethren 2) Private courses are the exception: 75 percent of golf facilities cater to the public 3) Though the pro tours shade Republican, the blue-red breakdown among amateurs is closer than believed. Other than that, though, pretty accurate stereotype.

At this statement, I can already hear the Golf Propaganda Community rushing into action. “Not all golfers are like that,” they will say. Sure. Though most serial killers are men, Aileen Wuornos managed to murder seven people in a single year. Something to be celebrated? Golfers believe so.

Wow, serial killing. That's quite the parallel. Feels like you've been sitting on this Wuornos analogy for some time. Sadly, not sure it served as the literary device you intended.

Chris Ryan

Golf is not a sport. Sports require that you break a sweat because of something other than the sun beating down on you as you drink bourbon in the seat of a motorized cart.

As one who covered America’s pastime for six years, the same could be said for every bullpen in Major League Baseball.

Like croquet and yachting, golf has the distinction of being an unathletic hobby that insists on being referred to as a sport

We get this a lot. But if Michael Jordan, the greatest athlete of all-time, considers golf a sport, that's good enough for us.

Golf has spoiled much more than walks. The sort of people who enjoy golf do not walk. They ride in ridiculous carts…

We agree! Too many Americans ride instead of footing it. Hey, maybe we can find some common ground..

...or are carried in litters by servants.

Yeah, that’s not a thing. Do you mean caddies? They actually make pretty damn good money. Granted, you'd want to be paid well too if you had to watch us hack it around, but still.

Chess is difficult. Public speaking is difficult. Retirement planning is difficult. None of those things are sports.

I would add "writing a coherent article" to this author's list of personal difficulties.

You must, in short, have no soul. A soul is a fatal detriment to the enjoyment of golf.

I'm 94 percent certain this author is going through a tough break-up at the moment. Hang in there, buddy! Just eat a pint of ice cream and watch Hitch on re-run. We'll get through this together.

That golf courses represent the most unnatural and warped ideas of man’s dominion over nature, in which the natural environment must be totally eradicated and rebuilt in a technicolor, Thomas Kinkade-esque image

This guy is going to flip his **** once he discovers the existence of Disney World.

You cannot hope to “win” at golf. You can only hope to escape in time.

He's partially right; when it comes to score, we truly are dogged victims of inexorable fate. However, if you predicate your enjoyment not on score but the company and experience, it's fairly easy to "win" at golf.

A notion that clearly has escaped this poor bastard.


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