For years I thought I could skate through life never having to write about The Bachelor. I hoped my career choice—editor of a sports website—and personal hangup about spending precious hours of my life consuming content that contributes literally nothing to said life would preclude me from the doom of Totally Fabricated Dating Show Beat Writer.
But when I saw and, more specifically, heard the anthem to the first-ever Bachelor Winter Games, I knew my fate had been sealed. It was simply too good (and by good, I mean oh so very bad) to pass up.
So I have only one question to ask you, America: Want to hear the most annoying sound in the world? Because this is officially it.
Now I don't know what The Bachelor Winter Games are [Editor's Note: A four-part reality TV competition in which 14 international bachelors and bachelorettes will join 12 American singles in a small Vermont town for eight televised hours of apres-ski hot-tub hand-stuff], but this sonic Chernobyl tells you all you need to know about the quality control (lol) and entertainment value (honestly, pretty freakin' high) of this esteemed prime-time program.
So yes, a TV show created an anthem—as if it's an actual country or something—and its actors stood around singing said anthem, as if it was a real thing. But don't worry, the fun doesn't end there. If you forgot your headphones or just want to sample the horror in a whole new medium, here's an annotated version of the first verse, which gave my fingers gangrene just typing it:
Bachelor Winter Games [the name of the show, strong start]
To fight for love and more [like the hand stuff?]
Oh bachelor, sweet bachelor [POUR SOME SUGAR ON MEEEEE]
We will compete for sure [holy crap it rhymes]
And finally, because we're here and we might as well pile on, here's a selection of my favorite reaction shots from the audience and contestants, who must have been wondering just what the f—k they had gotten into and how much a next-day flight out of Vermont might cost.
So yeah, suck it Francis Scott Key.
If you get bored of the actual Olympics, ABC has created this monster of a trainwreck—which will be shown on Tuesdays and Thursdays during the Olympics, a preposterous ratings grab...but that will probably work.