Bassmasters
July 31, 2020

The NBA allegedly stocked the bubble lake with fish, proving professional athletes are the softest guys on earth

Remember the last few weeks, as the IGs rolled in from the Orlando QZ with every sixth, seventh, and eighth man in the NBA brandishing a prize fish like they were Bill Dance and the Bassmasters? Welllll, we hate to burst your, um, bubble, but according to a report by TNT on Thursday, the Association actually stocked that lake with fish in order to keep the players’ fragile egos intact before play resumed. This should be about as surprising as the end of ‘Fight Club’ in the year 2020 (spoiler alert: THEY WERE THE SAME GUY!)

While painfully obvious, with every greenhorn who just picked up a rod suddenly reeling in Moby Dick, it's still hilarious—especially Reggie Miller’s extremely 90s NBA guy reaction to the news on live TV. “Oh my goodness, come on!” he blurts out, visions of sugar plums and neck-slash gestures dancing through his head.

Despite Miller’s objections, you have to give the NBA props for looking at their player pool and the frankly messed-up circumstances they were being asked to put up with so the local TV money would kick in and Adam Silver wouldn’t have to start flying commercial to China, and knew right away they better throw these guys a smallmouth or two. That’s called reading the room kids. Try it some time.

No matter how pampered the Professional Tik Tok Association gets, however—no matter how many snacks their mommys send them or the complexity of their hand lotion regimens—they can rest easy on their hypoallergenic Egyptian cotton pillowcases at night knowing one thing:

They will never, ever be as bad as [whispers] the tour.

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