The Hunger Harness is the perfect way to carry your Super Bowl food baby

We're just over two weeks away from the Super Bowl, and the viral circus is starting to unpack the trucks. Pretty soon we'll have Puppy Bowl lineups and teaser trailers for Pepsi commercials, but until the madness truly begins, we'll just have to content ourselves with this: The Reynolds Wrap Hunger Harness 1.0. May God have mercy on our souls (and digestive tracts).

If your brain is struggling to catch up with your eyes, the Hunger Harness is pretty much exactly what it looks like—an insulated baby carrier for people whose babies are buffalo wings. Featuring a central thermal pouch for keeping the queso caliente, a drink holder for keeping Corona frío, a dip holster, and adjustable straps, the Hunger Harness is perfect for grazers, hoverers, and snackers with overactive bladders. It's also great for entertaining, boasting a fold-out tray so all your bros can eat off you while watching the Big Game:

The Hunger Harness is available in one color—Terminator chrome—and is actually, really on sale for $4.99, which honestly seems like the right price for something that will almost certainly land you in the ER with third-degree fondue burns. Grab yours here and prepare to become the life of your one-man Super Bowl party.