As if city-drowning superstorms and the threat of nuclear winter weren’t terrifying enough, some creep took to the sewers of quiet Lilitz, Pennsylvania on Tuesday to tie up a bunch of red balloons and, generally speaking, freak everyone the f—k out. The red balloons—the calling card of Pennywise, the homicidal star of Stephen King’s It—were found tied to sewer grates around town, prompting timid local authorities to respond in the way that timid local authorities typically do in horror movies, inevitably allowing the maniac to evade capture until the all-important third act.
Though Pennsylvania clown sightings are on the rise due to the impending premiere of It (yes, really), no child-snatching, razor-toothed demons have come forward to claim responsibility for this
crime devious piece of viral marketing. If we were Sheriff Buckhorn (some of the names have been changed to protect the innocent) of Lilitz PD, however, we’d be looking for a scraggly mulleted man blaring Don Giovanni from a windowless van in the alley behind the elementary school (...or Nena).
Until the sadistic balloon man is caught, however, citizens of Western PA are being urged to lock their doors and STOP SPLITTING UP WHEN DESCENDING INTO STRANGE, DARK BASEMENTS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
'It' premieres nationwide on Friday, September 8th.