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The Loop

This new Texas Rangers promo is tripping balls (and we kind of dig it)

September 03, 2020

You’re going to have some questions. It’s only natural. That’s just what happens when an AL West bottom feeder releases a promo video for a regular-season series against an in-state rival including astronauts, conspiracy theories, and a camel they call a giraffe. But we cannot promise answers. We here at The Loop are humble seekers just like you. We found this video on reddit, wondered just what the hell the folks down at Texas Rangers’ social media HQ were smoking, if there was any left, and decided to turn to the internet for help. So, um, yeah, any ideas? Hello? Anyone?

Raise your hand if you also expected something different when they said “research shows that “Astros” is shorthand for . . . astronauts.” The word is assholes. Assholes is what we were looking for (asshats and assclowns are also acceptable answers.)

Other highlights include blowing up a moon with a dinger and scratching out Orbit’s eyes like a serial killer. Yes, everyone still despises the Astros. It’s not even cool anymore. Revenge is a cancer. Yadda yadda yadda. You gotta follow your heart, and ours remains filled with hate.

In the end, we’re no closer to understanding this now than we were at the start, but we do know one thing: The truth is out there.