Love and War

Science says Patriots fans are the least dateable NFL fanbase

August 17, 2017
Pats fan
Michael J. Ivins

My girlfriend is from Buffalo and I’ve been a die-hard Dolphins fan since I was five. It’s like the Capulets and the Montagues of football futility and twice a year we have to decide if our team or relationship is more important. Both the Bills and Dolphins have been bottom feeders for most of our lives, so it’s typically the latter, but I shudder to think what would happen if—due to some sort of glitch in the cosmic order—they both ended up in the AFC Championship Game. No really, I'm actually shaking.

Thanks to a recent study conducted by Fanatics, however, I now know we’re not alone. Charting the oft inverse relationship between NFL fandom and getting laid, Fanatics interviewed 2,900 fans on a variety of love vs. game topics, and what they discovered is not only enlightening, but absolutely hilarious. First up…

The New England Patriots are the NFL’s least dateable fanbase, because let’s be honest, nobody wants to date a cheater (PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT, BRADY!). Meanwhile, the LA Rams are the most dateable, because people from Los Angeles are freaking gorgeous. No surprises here.

Baltimore Ravens fans are the least likely of all NFL fanbases to date fans of their arch nemeses, which is good for America because Ravens and Steelers fans really shouldn’t procreate. On the other end of the spectrum, Bills fans are most likely to date those allegedly undateable Pats fan, which sounds a cut-and-dry case of Stockholm Syndrome to me.

Finally, Ravens and Bears fans are the most likely to give up sex for a year rather than date a fan of a rival team, with 24% and 21.7% of respondents pledging a vow of celibacy. Also cracking the top ten are Bills fans at 19.6% and Dolphins fans at 14.8%, but, uhh yeah, let’s just move on…

So what did we learn? Honestly, nothing we didn’t already know. Football fans are parochial pack hunters who are used to putting football before their own happiness because they do it every cursed weekend of every God-forsaken fall. Also, 76% of people would still prefer to get it in. Say what you want, but at least we humans are consistent.


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