Shaken, Not Stirred

Researchers with nothing better to do determine James Bond is a raging alcoholic

December 12, 2018

Cancer, famine, global warming, income disparity, how far the average golfer drives it, equality in all shapes, sizes, and colors. There are plenty of important issues facing the world today that are in dire need of critical thinkers and dedicated research, but one team of galaxy brains from New Zealand’s University of Otago have dedicated their scientific livelihoods to an altogether different pursuit: Determining whether or not James Bond—a fictional character who is always drinking—has a fictional drinking problem.

Spoiler Alert: Yep.

Part of recent study titled License to Swill: James Bond’s drinking over six decades* (we aren't making this up), four actual human beings have concluded that Mr. Bond, over the course of 60 years of non-stop martini-swilling, Aston Martin-wrecking debauchery, has engaged in 109 drinking events (an average of 4.5 per film) while satisfying six of 11 DSM-5 criteria for "sever alcohol use disorder." At his most intoxicated—after downing six "vesper martinis" at commercial airline altitude in 2008's Quantum of Solace—Bond's blood alcohol level was estimated to be 0.36 g/dL, a level intoxication of intoxication that can be fatal in some adults.

Compounding the danger of 007's alcohol consumption, say these extremely bored researchers, is its combination with firearms, gambling, henchman, unprotected sex (often with homicidal enemies), and of course motor vehicles, including but by no means limited to helicopters, motorcycles, tanks, and submarines. The study concludes that Bond should seek professional help for his affliction and work to develop better means of coping with his on-the-job stress, but falls short of hypothesizing the root of Bond's illness, which likely stems from a combination of PTSD and abandonment issues associated with his orphan upbringing.

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