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“Why would I need a wheelchair if I pooped my pants?” asks Paul Pierce in what might be the greatest sports quote of all time

November 19, 2021

“Do you believe in miracles?” “Win one for the Gipper.” “If you want to crown ‘em, crown ‘em!” “A return to glory!” The wide world of sports has produced some unforgettable quips and quotes over the years, but none more iconic, transcendent, hair-rising, spine-tingling, or goosebump-inducing than this:

“Why would I need a wheelchair if I pooped my pants?”

That soundbite belongs to Paul Pierce, who sat down with The Athletic’s Michelle Beadle (Beadle! Back!) this week to discuss a variety of basketball-related topics, from his inclusion in the NBA 75, to his fabled wheelchair game. The speculation for years following Paul Pierce’s dramatic exit (and even more dramatic return) during Game 1 of the 2008 NBA Finals was that Pierce was not in fact injured, but simply had to go (or, perhaps more accurately, had already went, a little bit, accidentally).

In 2019, Pierce, sitting starboard of the S.S. Beadle, seemed to confirm that theory, conjuring horrifying images of those soiled home whites on national television.

On the latest episode of the “What Did I Miss Podcast?,” however, The Truth was selling a very different version of events when asked about his infamous indigestion. Here’s what he had to say:

"If you poop your pants, does it make sense to sit down and mush it in a wheelchair? I would walk back there and go straight to the bathroom. Why would I need a wheelchair if I pooped my pants? You don’t sit down on your poop, right? It doesn’t make sense."

You’re right, Paul. So much about this doesn’t make sense. Perhaps one day we’ll finally get to the, er, bottom of it.