AARPop

Nothing to see here, just Gary Sheffield hitting bombs and crushing cigars

December 3, 2019

Keep it moving, folks. Nothing to see here but a 51-year-old man in a windbreaker chomping on a cigar and crushing dingers over a 15-foot tall outfield fence with room to spare. Apparently it's some guy named Gary Sheffield—just your average Joe Blow—so don't waste your time. Go home to your families. Belly up to the bar. Hop a boxcar headed west with nothing but a hobo sack and a pocket full of dreams. Honestly we don't care what you do with the vibrant, fertile oasis that is your life, but don't spend it watching some old dude hit baseballs.

Or not. Have it your way, you fools.

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See? Like we said, nothing special. Sure, some of those balls still haven't landed. Yes, he's going after that cigar harder than MJ at the turn. But still, come on. You could be compiling Baby Yoda memes or something. USE WHAT LITTLE TIME YOU HAVE LEFT IN THIS EXISTENCE WISELY, PEOPLE.

Of course, as some of you have pointed out, Gary Sheffield is closer to Joe DiMaggio than Joe Blow. He hit 509 Major League homers in his day. When he retired in 2009, he was a top-five active player in walks, runs, RBIs, hits, and homers. Not bad. There we said it. Happy now?

But trust us, that warm, fuzzy feeling will be short-lived once you think about this: Every second you spend watching Sheffield pound the dang cover off the ball halfway to a hundred, is a second you're not spending arguing online about whether or not Billie Eilish should know who Van Halen is. You people really have to work on your priorities...

RELATED: Vladimir Guerrero Jr. practicing for the Home Run Derby is the hottest video on the internet right now

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