Today in breaking Super Bowl news: America hates the Patriots. Not only are they the least dateable fanbase and cheaters and close personal friends with crackpots who literally believe they found the cure for death, they are—according to a new study by betonline.ag, which trawled football Twitter for over 500,000 geo-tags—categorically despised between the hashmarks as well. Siri, show infographic:
It doesn't get more cut and dry than that, folks. Out of a possible 50 NFL-speedballing states, a grand total of five (or 10%, for all you nerds) are rooting for the Patriots in Super Bowl LII. Four of those are in New England and one is North Dakota, where there are presumably no cellphones to geo-tag anyway.
The Patriots didn't even sweep their own region—with Connecticut and Vermont quietly opting out—nor earn the favor of Dallas or New York or DC or even Minneapolis, who were just tied to a chair with their eyelids glued open as the Eagles crushed their beloved Vikes 38-7 in the NFC Championship game while verbally abusing 99-year-old grandmothers to the point where even Bills Mafia started to feel queasy.
But this isn't about the Eagles—a franchise best known for being mostly fine with throwing batteries at Santa. This is about the only team on earth people could possibly hate more: The New England Patriots, the reason why Europeans can't stand America and Trump got elected.
Unfortunately, however, no squawking swath of green can change the cold, hard mold of fate. The Patriots will win again, ESPN will go full 360 on the Tahmmy-Jordan comparisons, and, come Super Bowl Sunday, I will be left scraping the bottom of the TBS original programming barrel in a desperate attempt to watch anything but the dickheads vs. the assholes in the douchebag bowl. In the immortal words of Bart Scott: CAN'T WAIT.
[Ed. Note: The author of this article was raised an hour north of Boston and is a total backstabbing traitor who could have rooted for a team with five damn championships at any point but for some stupid, no-longer remembered reason, didn't.]