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Little Yankees fan never wanted Manny Machado anyway thank you very much

February 19, 2019

A "cute" Yankees fan is a bit of an oxymoron. "Cute" requires a certain degree of blithe innocence that you simply can't attain when you're born into such opulence, sipping apple juice upon velvet upholstery while counting rings you've never seen. That said, if there were ever a pint-sized pinstriper to push the limits of this paradox, it would have to be this kid, who skyrocketed to the top of the internet Hot 100 after offering his thoughts on Manny Machado's reported $300-million-dollar move to the Padres on Tuesday afternoon. Take it away, buddy.

Suffice to say, this kid has some serious moxie. Unfortunately his premise—that certain players are simply off-limits to certain teams based on history/rivalry/general likeability—doesn't hold water coming a Yankees fan. This is EXACTLY what the Yankees have always done. If they can't beat 'em, they buy 'em (see: Damon and Ellsbury), and the more despised the player in question, the better (see: Clemens, Clemens, and Clemens). The Evil Empire has a reputation to live up to, and they ain't gonna do it by signing Joe Mauer.

Besides Machado, the other red-light players Lil' Cashman cites during the blooming of his megalomaniacal inner Yankee include Xander Bogaerts, Mookie Betts, and Josh Donaldson. We may agree on Donaldson, but you would have to be the worst kind of altruist not to take Betts—arguably the best all-around player in baseball right now—or Bogaerts were they for sale. He also compares the Yankees to signing any one of these players to the Dolphins signing Tom Brady, which I, a long-suffering Fins fan, can tell you is totally alright by me. Hell, if Tom wants to spend the last couple of years of his career dodging income tax and kicking it with Gisele in South Beach, I will personally buy 100 pairs of TB12 space pajamas to help fund the move. At a certain point, winning is just winning. Yankees fans, of all people, should know that.

One player conspicuously absent from this blacklist, however, is a guy by the name of Bryce Harper. Maybe you've heard of him. Harper is eye-wateringly expensive, coming from a big market contender, and a total asshat. He'll turn that short porch into bolognese and is destined to become best friends with Jimmy Fallon or someone annoying like that. He's the Yankees player you would make in a test tube if you could make a Yankees player in a test tube (cough A-Rod cough), and despite this kid's hard-won scruples, he may yet prove to be the catalyst for the most important moment in any young Yankees' fans life:

The moment they embrace the true power of the dark side.