It's the most wonderful time of the year, folks. The halls are decked and the stockings hung with total disregard. There's a partridge in the pear tree crapping all over everything and Rudolph, with his nose so bright, is late for his shift again tonight. But those aren't your chestnuts roasting on the open fire, our frazzled festive friends. It's greasy fried chicken goodness courtesy of KFC's 11 Herbs and Spices-scented Firelog—a non-edible flammable inspired by the same time-tested chicken recipe you know and love.
Weighing in at a healthy five pounds, each KFC Firelog is made from 100% recycled materials and has a burn time of two and half to three hours—which is about as long as you're going to last at your parents' house anyway. Clocking in $18.99, the Firelog is about the same price as a $20 Fill Up (though decidedly less satisfying) and about $190,981 cheaper than a Tesla Roadster, 2018's next-best technological innovation. Side effects include excess saliva production, increased appetite, and smelling like a fast food restaurant for the rest of the day.
If you want to bless your home, second home, yurt, igloo, manger, or personal dumpster fire with the KFC Firelog this season, make sure to act fast. There's a limit of one per customer and they're already blowing up the internet (BUT NOT LIVING ROOMS! - KFC spokesperson). In the meantime, we eagerly await the inevitable mashed-potato-and-gravy-scented menorah candles. Don't let us down, Colonel.