Thank gosh for the Boston Celtics. If it weren't for their delightful catastrophe of a season, we could be staring down the barrel of a full Boston sweep of American sports right now. A historically great Red Sox team outclassed the Dodgers in the Battle of Los Angeles 1, followed by the Patriots' craptacular triumph in the Battle of Los Angeles 2. Now, with summer looming, the last of Boston's 2018 teams is on the brink of yet another preordained championship, currently knotted up 2-2 with the St. Louis Blues in a Stanley Cup Finals series everyone expects them to win...including Super Bowl LIII MVP Julian Edelman, who showed up to practice today dressed up like the best man at a Barstool reader's wedding:
The show of New England pride, while well intentioned, is believed to be the cause of nationwide projectile vomit epidemic stretching from Albany to the Pacific seaboard. The CDC isn't ready to determine the actual cause of the viral outbreak, but sources within the organization say it may have been triggered by the Patriots' diminutive slot man. Officials advise all citizens to remain indoors and avoid sports Twitter until the situation in under control.
Edelman, meanwhile, is said to be too busy reciting the three Ps to notice the tsunami of splattery, disgusting spew his wardrobe choice has generated:
Tune in at 8 p.m. for more on the nation's latest health crisis and to see if Edelman's inspiring pep talk can to the magic of "Gloria" in Thursday's pivotal Game 5 matchup.