Can't Win

Jason Witten caps no good, very bad year by wrecking the Pro Bowl trophy

January 28, 2019

Jason Witten has had a tough one, man. This time last year, the all-time Cowboys receiving leader's broadcast career was full of promise—the next Tony Romo some said, stars in their eyes. But then came the flubs, botched analogies, and weird parallels between football toughness and partisan politics. Then came the Booger Mobile and the weight of the football Twitter bullseye on his back. By December, Witten was a shellshocked shell of a man, trembling through highlight reads, more preoccupied with the horror of what he might say (DON'T SAY "FART", DON'T SAY "FART"), than what he actually was. The playoffs came and went, granting Witten a stay of public execution until his final gig of the season, the pressure-free safety net of the Pro Bowl. Perfect time to regroup and set the tone for season two, right?

Wrong. Oh so very wrong.

The game itself was strewn with now-patented Witten-isms like that, in which America's tight end seemingly picked words out of a bowl of alphabet soup on live TV, but they were nothing compared to what came next. Not content to confine his struggles to the booth, Witten then descended into the bloodthirsty football public with a microphone in hand (mistake #1) to award Jamal Adams and the AFC the coveted Pro Bowl trophy...which he promptly destroyed in a fit of bumbling Wittenitis. NEVER PICK UP ANYTHING BY THE LID, JASON. COME ON.

Potshots aside, however, you have to feel for the man, who has somehow become the NFL's bizarro Mr. Magoo this season, stumbling into low-hanging light fixtures like he has a magnet in his forehead. What did he do to deserve such a fate—to piss off the universe so bad he deserved to be fed to the internet? We may never know, but here's hoping he can settle his cosmic debts before football fires up again next fall. If not, something tells us he won't get the chance to accidentally fumble the trophy down a storm drain come Pro Bowl 2020.

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