Nothing Gold Can Stay

IHOP is dropping "pancakes" from its name and we don't know who to trust anymore

June 6, 2018
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Scott Olson

Dark days are upon us, friends. Common decency is crumbling, peace is failing, and the International House of Pancakes—the last truly unifying lynchpin of modern society—has officially announced plans to the replace "P" in its iconic "IHOP" with a lower-case "b". God help us.

The funfetti-before-10am pioneers announced the plans via Twitter on Monday, later confirming to the New York Post that it was an actual rebrand and not some cheap viral stunt like the University Toledo pulled last month, promising working-class Americans that they would change their mascot to Shrek in exchange for 500,000 retweets only to delete their offer an hour later. Damn you, Toledo. DAMN YOU.

What the "b" ultimately stands for remains a mystery, but here are couple of ideas for the actual chimpanzees running IHOP/b's marketing division:

  • Butter

  • Bullshit

  • Beavis

  • Butthead

  • Blade

  • Bears

  • Beets

  • Battlestar Galactica

  • Bathroom Emergencies

  • Breakfast, we all know it's going to be Breakfast.

IHOb, which has an absolutely terrible ring to it (though still not bad enough to make anyone go to Denny's), will reveal the identity of the "b" on Monday, June 11th, in case you haven't moved on with your life by then.

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