In case you spent first half of the week off-planet with bad Wi-Fi and no meaningful contact with anyone other than that cute, six-armed intergalactic Starbucks barista, you have no doubt already heard that Carson Wentz tore his ACL and Star Wars: Episode VIII The Last Jedi is LIKE THE SECOND BEST STAR WARS MOVIE EVER BEHIND 'EMPIRE STRIKES BACK' OMG [UNINTELLIGIBLE GARBLING]. Now, ordinarily, these front-page storylines would have very little to do with each other, but thanks to the magic of the internet, we now live in a world without boundaries. Behold Star Wars: The Last QB. WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD.
That's right. You heard it here first, folks: Nick Foles—former Eagles starting quarterback turned, umm, current Eagles starting quarterback—is, in fact, The Last Jedi. Sorry Luke. Sorry Rey. Sorry all 12 of you who thought it was gonna be the Porg. The force belongs to Foles, a moppy-haired ASU gunslinger who posted a 28.1 QBR in his final season as a starter and looks like the Hanson brother who ended up bagged groceries instead. The Philly Phaithful will be hoping this ridiculous (and ridiculously funny) mash-up is more premonition than parody, of course, but something tell us its gonna be a rough couple of weeks for young master Foles.
Here's hoping they're too busy throwing at batteries at Santa to aim them at you, kid.