America's Future

HEY KIDS! Condom snorting isn’t cool (and interestingly, that’s not what they’re for)

April 2, 2018
Prince Harry Visits The Caribbean - Day 11
Chris Jackson

Now here’s some news that will sadden you into emotional-eating a bucket of Tide Pods: The Kidz These Days, having successfully reached the limits of human detergent-eating capacity, are putting down the delicious laundry flavor packets and picking up the condoms. But they’re not using the condoms for their intended teen purpose (fumbling around trying to rip something open in the dark like a 14-fingered orangutan), but for jamming into their noses and pulling out of their mouths! To recap, teens who at least used to know what condoms ARE and where they GO are now tearing them open and saying, no no baby, you wait over there while I get this in my nostrils. And the Pope thinks there isn’t a hell.

Here’s a field guide to the Latest Viral Teen Craze That Probably Like 14 People Did But Makes for Super Clicky Headlines Anyway:

OK, God, so what is this about?

According to what this story Trump-ily calls “multiple reports” (“many people are saying that kids are doing this, good people, many good people”), teens are shoving unwrapped condoms into their nostrils and hard-inhaling like the 1986 New York Mets until said condom emerges in their mouths. To recap: Damp, adhesive condom goes in the nose and out the eating hole. You can see why people would be excited to give this a go.

Uh…new condoms, right?

YES AAAAAAAAAAAAUGH

But Loop, I’ve Only Snorted Pixy Stix and Pop Rocks, how does one get a ring of rubber into one’s nasal cavity?

With GOOD OLD FASHIONED AMERICAN GUMPTION, and I’m guessing an awful lot of lung power? Look I don’t know how people do this with a lousy piece of string, no idea how the biology works with an enormous rubber thing. We are only linking to this screenshot, because frankly no one in here could watch the video without projectile-chorking all over our Masters suitcases.

They just started this?

No! The Condom In Your Schnozz Challenge™ has been around for years. Similar videos hail back to 2007; in 2013, an American hero named Savannah Strong went viral with a video that is no longer online because at some point in recent history YouTube decided to occasionally check to see what was on their platform. (Still better than Facebook.) It’s only re-gaining popularity now, while we were distracted by other teens who were holding rallies about not attending classes under the constant threat of gunfire. Thanks for evening things out, kids.

Wait, how big are kids’ nostrils these days?

Right? I mean, I’m of Eastern European heritage and have a nose like Karl Malden after a kickball accident and I wouldn’t remotely have the storage capacity for this. Maybe Tide Pods expand your nasal passages?

I’m sure I can guess, but what can go wrong when a human inhales a condom?

Good question, doctor. FIRST, it’s a choking hazard, because you’re putting some stuff in your head. SECOND, because the condom is usually coated in STUFF, one runs the risk of significant infection. THIRD, it blocks space for things you should be snorting up your nose, such as air. Finally, it feels like you have a full set of Goodyears jammed inside your brain, except it smells worse and is more viscous, which is basically the exact opposite of the feeling you’re looking for when you open a condom. Also, if you have one of those rubber or latex allergies, your head will explode.

What does this mean for me, the attentive parent?

Simple: Teens need to know that they should use condoms for sex, but not breathing, and on their junk, but not inside their throats, and that while important and helpful they should not go anywhere near the space that other people use for brains. Conveniently, this might not be a problem for you: If you have the sort of teen who’d snort a condom, there’s little chance anyone would want to help use it for its intended purpose anyway.

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