Pope Francis announces hell no longer exists, contrary to all earthly evidence


The Catholic Church isn't exactly big on change, but this morning Pope Francis announced a huge one: Hell—you know, the firey despair pit where thieves, cheaters, Patriots fans, and murderers are consigned to an eternity of only Trump's Twitter feed—is going the way of Toys R' Us. In its place (you didn't think they were getting rid of the stick entirely, did you?), the souls of unrepentant sinners will simply, umm, disappear. Here's what the Pope had to say of the re-brand:

Hell doesn’t exist, the disappearance of the souls of sinners exists.

So yeah, OK, not the church's most creative work. Built on a celebrated platform of infanticide, patricide, siblicide, and one [probably] allegorical man-eating whale, the acclaimed Catholic Ideation Team clearly phoned in it here, leaving their global legion of masochists wondering where to turn for a daily dose of crippling existential terror.

Thankfully, despite all this soft-atheism mumbo-jumbo, there remains ample scientific evidence that hell is not only very real, but absolutely thriving. Here, let's take a look.

So sorry, Pope Francis. We have news for you: Out here in the secular wastes, hell is all too real and your soul doesn't disappear—it just gets up and goes to work every morning until one day you do.