Hallelujah

Pope Francis announces hell no longer exists, contrary to all earthly evidence

March 29, 2018

The Catholic Church isn't exactly big on change, but this morning Pope Francis announced a huge one: Hell—you know, the firey despair pit where thieves, cheaters, Patriots fans, and murderers are consigned to an eternity of only Trump's Twitter feed—is going the way of Toys R' Us. In its place (you didn't think they were getting rid of the stick entirely, did you?), the souls of unrepentant sinners will simply, umm, disappear. Here's what the Pope had to say of the re-brand:

Hell doesn’t exist, the disappearance of the souls of sinners exists.

So yeah, OK, not the church's most creative work. Built on a celebrated platform of infanticide, patricide, siblicide, and one [probably] allegorical man-eating whale, the acclaimed Catholic Ideation Team clearly phoned in it here, leaving their global legion of masochists wondering where to turn for a daily dose of crippling existential terror.

Thankfully, despite all this soft-atheism mumbo-jumbo, there remains ample scientific evidence that hell is not only very real, but absolutely thriving. Here, let's take a look.

  • America spent Sunday night wondering if a former porn star would brandish a picture of our 71-year-old president's penis on national TV.

  • She didn't.

  • Speaking of which, a new study suggests a common chemical in restaurant food is disfiguring male reproductive organs.

  • Facebook has been selling your Spotify playlists and Amazon cart to the shadiest overseas bidder.

  • But you still need Facebook for your job.

  • A grown woman mocking a high school student's college rejection letters now falls under the umbrella of "journalism."

  • Have you looked at your bracket in the last five days?

  • Led Zeppelin still won't get back together.

  • Something, something Russia.

  • Something, something North Korea.

  • A rogue Chinese space station is about to crash back to earth.

  • Twitter can't decide whether or not Wes Anderson's new movie about dogs is racist.

  • Polar Bears will be all dead by the time your kids are born.

  • Wait, you're having kids?

So sorry, Pope Francis. We have news for you: Out here in the secular wastes, hell is all too real and your soul doesn't disappear—it just gets up and goes to work every morning until one day you do.

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