It's been six weeks since Major League Baseball boarded up the windows for the winter, and you're officially jonesing. You're clinging to every scrap of crap out of the Winter Meetings. You're counting down the days not until Christmas, but when pitchers and catchers report. You miss baseball so much hurts. Trust us, we know the feeling. But thankfully we also know the antidote, and the antidote is this: A video from this season of Zack Greinke taking longer than the Kentucky Derby to throw A SINGLE FREAKIN' PITCH. Ladies and gentleman, this is the thing you supposedly can't live without?
This is what we in the industry call a b*****kill. That b-word is not buzz by the way. All winter long we dream of resplendent spring days, long summer nights, and dramatic October evenings under the lights. We think it's baseball we miss so dearly, but as this absolutely excruciating two minutes and seven seconds prove, we are simply conflating our love of America's pastime with our collective and overwhelming desire to be placed in a medically induced coma every November through every March.
Worst of all—yes, worse than the sign-stealing allegations levied at Greinke's Houston Astros following the season—is the fact that the people who pretend to love baseball the most are fine with this. In fact, they wear it like a badge of honor. "My time values so much less to me than yours to you!" they boast while gleefully watching Greinke file his nails as the outfield grass grows another half centimeter. There have been efforts to speed up pace of play—auto-walks have made it to the majors, some minor leagues have begun placing runners on second in extra innings—but every time a new solution is proposed, it's shot down by team Don't Let the Kids Play sight unseen. Folks, this why the kids don't want to play anyway.
Suffice to say, if the Kentucky Derby is the most exciting two minutes in sports, after years of searching, we have finally found its equal and opposite force. The dullest two minutes in sports. Rejoice, humanity. Balance has been restored to the universe.