Geography
September 30, 2020

This fake Hassan Whiteside tweet about moving to Hawaii if Trump wins fooled the entire internet (including us)

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Pool

Allegedly this tweet has been proven fake, but that does not make it any less good.

OK, so the less said about the inaugural Presidential Debate of 2020, the better. A made-for-TV special designed for maximum cringe and minimum substance, Tuesday night went down like everyone who has been paying even a thimble full of attention the last four years expected. Gasbagging, gaslighting, half-truths, complete lies, interruptions, interjections, a $70,000 toupee, and one supposed defense of white supremacy. Needless to say, it was a big pretty evening on the ol’ Twitter machine, especially for Portland Trailblazers center Hassan Whiteside, who midway through the debate sort of echoed what we were all thinking with what is, unquestionably, indisputably, the greatest tweet of the night, possibly the year.

Whiteside promptly deleted the tweet for what are, hopefully, pretty obvious reasons. But honestly, you can’t blame the man. First of all, Hawaii has no business being part of the United States, culturally or geographically. You can thank colonization—the very thing we fought a little thing called the Revolutionary War to escape—and Dole pineapple lobbyists for Whiteside’s confusion on that matter. Second, and this is the big one, if you did want to get the hell out of dodge in January when 45 mobilizes the tanks and barricades himself in the Oval Office with nothing but The Apprentice: Seasons 1-5 on DVD to keep him occupied, why the hell would you move to Canada? Do you know what the weather is like up there in January?! Also, go do some light reading on their continued oppression of indigenous peoples. Just because your president is hot, doesn’t mean you’re a functional nation.

Anyhoo, the point is, Hawaii seems like a pretty solid place to ride out dawning of our nation’s new hybrid authoritarian regime. There are beaches and pina coladas and all the Maui Wowi you can possibly inhale. Sure, you have to follow U.S. laws, but is anyone really watching? Plus, if things really do go south, and Trump starts construction on the Pentagon West in mouth of an O’hau volcano like the Bond villain he was always meant to become, then you’re just one short trip to Tahiti or, better yet, the end of the earth.

Say Hassan, do you have any room left on that boat?