You're All Winners
May 31, 2019

Disgruntled baby boomers dealt huge blow as National Spelling Bee crowns 8 co-champs

Scripps National Spelling Bee

Congressional Quarterly

Big news from the front today, where brave Gen Z battalions, under the leadership of Millennial High Command, dealt a massive blow to the Baby Boomer resistance, naming a whopping eight Scripps National Spelling Bee co-champions as the Generation Wars rage on unabated. Sources embedded with Boomer forces say that while the defeat has indeed put a dent morale, there is hope it will be a galvanizing moment for the novelty bumpersticker industry, which could yet propel the Boomers to a decisive victory with an arsenal of new participation trophy jokes.

After a grueling three-and-a-half hour assault on both the dictionary and the very concept of winning and losing, eight young warriors survived, lifting the trophy together in unison. Some opposition forces were said to be physically ill at the mere sight of the collective triumph. Plans for a statue to be placed next to the Marine Corps Memorial are already being floated.

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You can see all eight heroes and the words with which they vanquished an aging world below. Long live the Elite Eight.