Detroit Lions head coach Dan Campbell is the world’s greatest new football alpha

January 21, 2021

Is the name Dan Campbell vaguely familiar to you? Does it ring any bells deep within your football-addled subconscious? Well, perhaps you remember Campbell from his brief stint as interim head coach of the Miami Dolphins in 2015. Following Joe Philbin’s firing in October of 2015, Campbell took over and promptly tried to “change the culture” inside the Dolphins locker room by holding Oklahoma Drills—largely phased out of the NFL due to their propensity for generating head injuries—at his very first practice. That should tell you just about everything you need to know about Dan Campbell.

Or at least it did until Thursday, when Campbell was introduced as head ball coach of the Detroit Lions, delivering perhaps the most violent, chest-thumping introductory press conference in the history of violent, chest-thumping introductory press conferences. Move over, Gruden. Take a hike, Riverboat. There’s a new football alpha in town, and his name is Dan.

If this doesn’t make you want to get out there and bite off some kneecaps, then we are simply not on the same wave length, cochise. But don’t get the wrong impression of Campbell. In between kicking opponent’s teeth in and endangering the spinal columns of his players during meaningless midweek practices, Campbell likes to keep things light and approachable, as evidenced by the shiny new name plaque outside his office . . .

Oh hell yeah. Intense threats of physical violence. Endless ‘Big Lebowski’ quotage. The Lions might go 0-16 again, just as they did when Campbell was a player there, but we will be glued to every second of it.