America's Team
October 27, 2020

If getting Tabasco sauce in your eye mid-press conference doesn’t sum up the Dallas Cowboys’ season, what does?

Words cannot express how bad the Dallas Cowboys’ has gone to date. A middling start, followed by their star quarterback’s leg getting turned into a curly straw, followed by a Monday night performance so bad a guy a shot his TV, followed by backup quarterback Andy Dalton getting decapitated, followed by a 25-3 loss to the store brand Football Team had things hovering pretty near rock bottom on Monday when defensive coordinator Mike Nolan took to the podium for his weekly press conference. What happened next was the stuff of instant legend.

If you’ve ever suffered Nolan’s fate—or worse yet, chopped jalapenos and then gone to the bathroom—you know first hand that this can be a day ruiner. Now imagine having it happen in front of a bunch of reporters dying to ask you how your defense just gave up 25 to Kyle Allen. But more importantly, it confirms what we all already suspected: That the Dallas Cowboys are currently being cursed by some malevolent witch doctor hell bent on inflicting the most amount of physical and emotional pain possible. At least Nolan had his mask handy to dab his tears. See anti-maskers, they DO work.

It only gets worse from here for America’s team as well. It’s going to take an ACME brain descrambler and a small miracle for Andy Dalton to play on Sunday night, when the Cowboys get ANOTHER primetime game, this time against ANOTHER hated division rival in the Philadelphia Eagles. After that, they get the only remaining undefeated team in the NFL in the Pittsburgh Steelers. So while getting Tabasco in your eye is certainly no fun, in two weeks time, Cowboys fans might be begging to be blinded by hot sauce.