Charles Barkley scores first big win of the season over Shaq on NBA Opening Night

October 23, 2019
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At long last, after a wild free-agent sundae topped with a geopolitical cherry bomb, the NBA is back! On Tuesday night, banners were raised, Kings fells, and bragging rights were firmly established. And no, we're not talking about Clippers-Lakers. We're talking about what happened just outside Staples Center, when the NBA on TNT crew kicked off another season of shit-talking and general absurdity by welcoming their newest co-worker Dwayne Wade to the fold. Not ones to let another human being's moment get in the way of their hot-air balloon egos, however, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neal used the appearance of Shaq's former teammate to make it all about them, reigniting their eons-old war of words in hilarious fashion. Take it away you stupid, lovable idiots.

Seemingly without context, while four adults were talking about something completely different on live television, Charles Barkley leans back, gestures to D-Wade, and shouts the following question to his old pal across the table: "You want him to carry you to another championship?"

"It don't matter, It don't matter," Shaq stammers as the pro-Lakers crowd falls into a hushed silence, but clearly it does. Cleary it matters a lot.

It matters because Chuck is now officially 1-0 on the season and off to hot start in the Chuck v. Shaq Cup. Never mind the fact NO ONE ever carried Chuck to a championship because CHUCK NEVER WON A CHAMPIONSHIP. If you've been paying attention to this rivalry through years, you already know that facts aren't currency here. Only personal attacks and threats of physical violence score points in this knockdown, drag-out battle for king doofus.

Where Wade ultimately fits into that equation remains to be, but he would be wise to take a page out of Ernie and Kenny's book, and stay way the hell out of it.