The year is 2020. Everything's a hoax. Everyone's a crook. It's all smoke, mirrors, and Instagram filters. Nothing is what it seems unless what it seems like is a lie. We don't need a new Matrix movie. We're living it. Only our Neo isn't called Neo at all. He goes by Barkley . . . Charles Barkley.
In recent years, the big-boned wellness guru has made it his personal mission to drag the modern world out of the darkness and into the light, and this week—inspired by the French Onion Dip Christmas known as the Super Bowl—he's set his sights on the collected scourges of kale and yoga. YOU'RE JUST A PAWN IN BIG LETTUCE'S TWISTED GAME, PEOPLE. OPEN YOUR EYES, THE TRUTH IS WAITING.
"I think kale is just lettuce," he says, ignoring the fact he's never tried either substance. "They just change the name so they can charge you more."
But undercover Chuck doesn't stop there, turning his truth serum on the yoga industry, which he calls "nothing but stretching." Suffice to say, you won't catch Charles Barkley planking anytime soon, but it's clear his true vendetta lies with vegetables, the insidious little tubulars that infiltrate our bodies minds with without us even knowing it. And just wait until you hear about what nightshades are doing to your testosterone levels. The Coronavirus is just a cover for the actual pandemic.
This isn't the first time Chuck has taken his holy war with roughage public, calling vegans "damn fools" in response to Kenny Smith's love of impossible burgers—the greatest ruse of them all—last year. It is, however, his most impassioned plea yet. A call to arms for common sense. Speak now, Chuck says, or forever hold your peas.