Brew Crew
June 10, 2020

Cape-less hero breaks into Miller Park, steals tractor, tries to mow his name into the outfield

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Joe Robbins

Not all heroes wear capes. Some wear spandex, others shields. There are helmets, helms, cowls, and masks. Definitely a lot of masks. You also have mech suits, laser sunglasses, and tactical tuxedos. Even Hulk was recently spotted in a cardigan. What can we say, there’s been A LOT of superhero movies lately. But in the case of Kenyon A. Lambert, who was arrested last week after breaking into Miller Park, commandeering a tractor, and trying to mow his name into the outfield grass, the choice of attire was a simple white t-shirt.

According to the report, Lambert slipped into Miller Park undetected via an unlocked door and eventually wandered onto the field, where grounds crews were actively working. Despite their presence, Lambert was able to hi-jack a tractor and a short chase ensued, in which Lambert reportedly raised and lowered the tractor’s bucket while in motion, colliding with the pitcher’s mound and digging holes in the playing surface. Lambert told police he stole the tractor because he had never driven a tractor before and wanted to try to carve his name into the grass with the tires. When he saw the workers filming him on their phones, he decided to “show off” a little. Lambert’s toxicology report has not been released.

For the neutral (and especially Cubs fans), Lambert is a beacon of hope in our sports-less wasteland—the promise that if we look hard enough and dig deep enough, we might just find something interesting to say about baseball at the moment. For Brewers fans, however, it’s substantially less amusing, with Lambert allegedly causing over $40,000 of damage to the field. That may not seem like much, but in a league that feeds its minor leaguers bologna sandwiches and only pulls down over $10 billion in revenue every year, it could be the gust that sends the house of cards crashing down.

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