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The Buffalo Sabres have won a hockey game! (THIS IS NOT AN APRIL FOOLS' JOKE)

April 01, 2021

It’s April 1st, humanity's annual celebration of lies and deceit. A day to question everything and trust no one, especially here on the internet, where every damn day is April Fools. But we promise—cross our hearts, hope to die—that what we’re about to tell you is as real as the matrix air you breathe:

The Buffalo Sabres have won a hockey game.

If you’ve been following along, you know that this is a big deal. The Sabres’ last win came on February 23rd. In between, they went winless in 12 straight, fired their coach, and then lost six more, tying the 2003-04 Penguins for the longest losing streak in NHL history. That record-tying 18th loss came on Monday to the Flyers in a game they were leading 3-0 in the third period before ultimately losing 4-3 in overtime. Actual nightmares aren't even that cruel.

Off the back of that soul-pulverizing loss, the Sabres seemed destined to set the outright record outright at 19 on Wednesday, but given a second shot at the Flyers—perhaps the only franchise in the NHL as currently dysfunctional as they are—they didn’t miss, running out emphatic 6-1 winners. The Labatt flowed like the wine from the heavens.

So let us take this moment to say congratulations to not only the Sabres players and fans, but the entire city of Buffalo. You’re off the hook. Philadelphia, step right up . . .