It's not often you get meaningful, season-altering baseball games in the month of April, but Tuesday night was a big old fat exception for both the Phillies and Nationals. Sure, division rivalry games, especially in the top-heavy NL East, are always going to be a little spicy, but this particular matchup saw the lid on the hot-flake shaker pop right the hell off thanks to Bryce Harper's first return to the 202 since his big-money move up I-95. Things started about as you'd expect, with all 200 Nationals fans rolling out their finest doctored jerseys and signage for the occasion...
Obviously when you come up with something as great as changing "Harper" into "Farter," you're going to think you have won, but in the top of the 8th, Harper made it emphatically clear that, in the immortal words of Sean Connery, winners go home and [REDACTED] the prom queen. With the Phillies already up 6-2, Harper stepped to the plate and smacked a towering homer to right, garnishing the already very salty roast with one of the single most disrespectful bat flips in MLB history. Feast your eyes on this sucker, would ya?
Somewhere, even Joey Bats just blushed.
The next time Harper rolls into Nats Park, he can expect a couple of heatseekers aimed at his perfectly coiffed head, but that won't bother him too much at the moment. The Phillies are 4-0—three games up on the last-place Nationals—and he even has a little Philly hoagie in the oven. Needless to say, everything is looking up in Bryceland, where the sliders are always grooved and the bats never, ever come down.