Red Alert

The color of Bruce Arians’ face sure seems like a medical emergency

On Tuesday, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers visited the White House to commemorate their Super Bowl LV victory. There was no McDonald’s spread. Tom Brady showed up. It was as low-drama as any pro-sports visit to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in the last four years … or at least it would have been if not for Bucs coach Bruce Arians, who showed up looking like a kid who just ate the wrong piece of candy at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.

Let’s punch in on that shall we?


Drew Angerer

Now we’re no dermatologists. We couldn’t tell a mole from a sunspot nor a sunspot from a freckle. But this sure as hell seems like a medical emergency to us. Arians looks like he accidentally got tossed in the washing machine with his shirt and came out the same color. He looks like a lobster if you could order lobsters well-done. Cars are slamming on their brakes when they pass him on the sidewalk not because he’s Bruce Arians, but because he looks like a stoplight. We know the CDC have their hands full right now, but we need their best agents on the case. Whatever this is, we can’t have it spreading to the president or, worse yet, Tom Brady. (Not that they'll put him on the injury report, ba dum pshh).

The Bucs begin training camp on Sunday, July 25th. Somebody, please, for the good of the Buccaneers, football, and humankind as a whole, get his man some aloe before then.