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Big Papi scores big L with ten trillionth terrible Astros take

February 20, 2020
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I almost can't bring myself to do this right now. I didn't sleep well last night. My coffee is turning my stomach. I'm sick to whatever lies beyond death of hearing about the $!%&@#! Houston $!%&@#! Astros. But when someone says something this stupid—this completely tone-deaf and oblivious to the over-arching context of earth—well, I just can't help myself. David Ortiz. Big Papi. Whatever the hell you go by these days. Thanks. Thanks a freaking lot. I was really looking forward to not having to do this today. I was looking forward to not having to think about stealing signs and banging trash cans and Alex Bregman's smug little face for 12 consecutive hours, and yet here we are all over again.

OK, so first of all, calling the guy who broke arguably the biggest scandal in Scandal League Baseball history a "snitch" in the same breath as condemning the behavior he was "snitching" on is confused at best and willfully obtuse at worst. Doing so while decked out in the logos of the team who subsequently won a World Series while managed by the Astros' cheater-in-chief is almost comically clueless. All of this in light of the 2009 New York Times report that alleges David Ortiz tested positive for PEDs as far back as 2003 and only escaped the guillotine of public opinion by the skin of his smiling pearly whites is hypocrisy untold. Combined, this adds up to the stupidest sports quote we've heard since . . . well, yesterday, when Giancarlo Stanton, who played all of 18 games last season, said he could hit 80 home runs if he stole signs like the 'Stros.

Needless to say, it's time for Big Papi to sit the next couple of innings out. And on second thought, it's time for me to do the same. No more Astros. No more idiots. No more what-if baseball history. I'm done. Ova. Kaput. Wake me up on Opening Day if you absolutely must.