Bartolo Colón announces steamy new memoir, 'Big Sexy'

Baseball just isn't the same without Big Sexy. When the man known to friends, family and the DMV as Bartolo Colón retired last year, he left a bowling ball-shaped void in the heart of baseball. The skies wept, the hot dogs went cold and "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" suddenly rang hollow. But fear not, fans of girth and gas (the fastball kind, not the other...though probably that too), because Big Sexy is officially back!

Well, sort of.

On Wednesday, Colón officially announced his new memoir, which promises to tell the story of Colón's rise from a humble coffee picker in the Dominican Republic to one of the most beloved names in baseball. The literary game-changer, titled 'Big Sexy' for obvious reasons, is co-written by Bartolo himself and Michael Stahl, a Queens native with bylines for Rolling Stone, Vice, and more, and will feature over 100 color photographs chronicling the 21-year career of the winningest latin American pitcher in MLB history.

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In typical fashion, Colón announced the book on Wednesday with an Instagram video of him reading while on his treadmill. Most people just watch ESPN while working out. Bartolo reads books...about himself. This is like a Chuck Norris joke, only better, because there's no Chuck Norris.

Actual details about the book, which hits shelves on April 21st, 2020 via Abrams, remain scant, but we can't wait for the chapter about the homer heard 'round the world. It's gonna be a real page-turner.