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The Loop

Another beautiful summer week, another vicious parent brawl at a youth baseball game

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Here in the Northeast, it's been a lovely little stretch of summer so far (even if said summer doesn't technically begin until Friday.) The sun has been golden, the humidity levels pleasantly mild, and temps have hovered in the upper 70s and low 80s. It's the kind of weather your mom loves spending half your weekly phone check-in talking about. Out west, however, things are really starting to heat up, especially in Lakewood, Colorado, where last week a group of parents sent thermometers skyrocketing into the triple digits with one the fieriest youth baseball brawls we've seen in a minute. Avert your eyes, kiddos. Daddy's gotta go to work.

Man, that PTA meeting on Monday is going to be awkwardddddd. All joking aside, however, this is yet another pathetic display of humanity from the sports parent set, who seemingly can't go two weeks with taking out their dead-end job, sexless marriage, and the ACL injury that cost them that scholarship to state on the opposing dugout. There are some very real "I'm trying to break your orbital bone" haymakers being thrown here, with Lakewood PD reporting multiple injuries and citations (Jeff even had his invite to the chief's Fourth of July BBQ revoked.)

Authorities are currently seeking the human toilet paper in teal shorts, who singles out the weakest target, beats him over the back of the for a few minutes, and then, when he's barely conscious, shoves him straight to ground with the classic Whoops I Have a Second Degree Manslaughter Charge Now finishing move. While the cause of the brawl is unknown, Lakewood PD confirms it happened on the fields of Westgate Elementary, where every day these people's children behave better than them despite being unable to tie their shoes and eat applesauce without spilling it.

Needless to say, we can't wait to see what the Pop Warner procreators of America have waiting for us come the fall.