Ya snooze, ya lose
July 13, 2020

A D.C.-area realtor/genius just trademarked every possible Washington Redskins name replacement

Folks, we have breaking news out of our nation’s capital this morning, where Dan Snyder, the sentient catheter that has spent the last two decades systematically running the Washington Redskins Redacteds into the dirt, looks like a dumbass once again. We now go to live to our sports reporter on the scene for more…

This time, however, it wasn’t Snyder wishing an entire room full of people "Happy Thanksgiving" in January that made headlines. Nor his decree that grown men should address him as Mr. Snyder. NOR his ALL CAPS assertion that the Washington Redacteds would NEVER change their name (spoiler alert: they’re changing their name.) Instead the story begins with local Alexandria real estate agent Philip Martin McCaulay, who in recent weeks outdueled Snyder to the trademarks for virtually every potential Redacteds’ nickname replacement in the English language, leaving the room temperature bologna sandwich of an owner nameless, if not penniless.

McCaulay’s one weak link appears to be the “Washington Warriors,” which is currently the favorite to become the bland new moniker of the NFL’s starchiest team, but Snyder shouldn't count his $500 ostrich eggs before they hatch, especially if he’s the one holding the basket. If Warriors falls through, here are a few of the options remaining following McCaulay’s savvy play.

Washington Filibusters

Washington Earmarks

Washington Washingtons

Washington 8th Grade School Field Trips

Washington Gun Lobbyists

Washington Fortunate Sons

Good luck and Snyder speed, Redacteds fans. If previous experience and the Gus Frerotte era is any indicator, this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.