LeBron is now a card-carrying member of the Los Angeles Lakers. What sort of seismic changes will that bring to the NBA landscape? We gazed into our very sarcastic crystal Spaulding to find out. (Seriously, we can never tell if this thing is f—king with us).
Suit shorts year-round
Nothing says “surf's up, please steal my lunch money” like suit shorts 24/5, 365. Gotta love those micro-climates, kids.
Plenty of hot new LeBron vs. Kobe takes
Can’t get enough of that LeBron vs. Jordan debate? Boy are you in luck. Now that LeBron is a Laker, we now have a fresh new wrinkle to scream about everyday weekday from 7am-1pm, only on ESPN, the Worldwide Leader in Are We Seriously Still Talking About This?
Space Jam 2 - 2,759
The only thing Hollywood loves more than itself is a sequel, and with Space Jam 2 already on the way, we can look forward to plenty more LeBron at the box office. From Space Jam: Fury Road to Space Kazaam—the NBA crossover event you’ve been waiting for—it’s sure to be fun for the whole family (and every idiot who saw Trainwreck and was like yes, the thing I definitely want more of from LeBron is acting).
A hilarious mix-up involving Beverly Hills Alignment and Inflation
LeBron walks into a Botox clinic thinking it’s one of 7 trillion Akron-area tire shops. Andddddd scene.
LaVar Ball getting shipped to Siberia this time
If you thought Latvia (or Lithuania, whatever) was bad, just wait until you get a taste Irkutsk in January. Also, keep a close eye on LiAngelo at the local Rite-Aid. Once you go to the gulag, you don’t come back.
The LeBron football curse to rage on unabated
Despite his fondness for talking about how, if he could do it all again, he'd go back and be a tight end so he could get paid half as much to get crushed by linebackers week-in, week-out until forced to retire at the age of 28 with the body of 65-year-old war veteran, LeBron has not exactly frequented great football towns over the course of his career. Unsurprisingly, LA is also a Not Great Football Town. The Rams are sort of good now, but how long will that last? Seriously asking. Also, since we're on the subject, do you think Todd Gurley is worth a top 5 pick this year?
LeBron to start saying things like “yeah, but the avocados are just better here.”
Yeah, but they are.
LeBron losing to the Warriors in the Semis instead of the Finals
If LeBron’s master plan to stop losing to the Warriors in the Finals was to start losing to them in the Semis, mission accomplished.
Cleveland sinking into Lake Erie like the Edmund Fitzgerald Continuing on mostly as before
Come on, Cleveland just went 52 years without a championship. They’re the Dracula of losing—what’s another half century of pain and hunger when you’re 500 years old and can never die, no matter how badly you may want to?